Chapter 98

Chapter 98

Snake Report: Life as a False God - Round 2.0, Night 1:

I'm in.

Seriously, like- skin of my teeth, thread the needle, almost panicked and botched it three or four times, but I think that they've really bought my performance now: in.


All these Elves think I'm a god. I am worshiped: Anything I say seems to go.

More food? Consider it done. More wine? Need not even ask. Mealtime entertainment? Why, now there are a bunch of Dancing Elven women.

This is the life.

More than a chief, or a king: more than a ruler- I'm just a straight up deity.

They're bowing to me, their elders are deferring to my commands- the leader obeys my every word. They're both reverent of me, and terrified. Honestly, this is the best combination of circumstances I could have hoped for.

What the heck was I thinking, trying to find my way back into human society? That's just disaster waiting to happen, I mean: I'm a monster now! Miss Paladin is probably the only one in the world who wouldn't try to kill me on sight. Yet Elves, on the other hand...

Listen, I know originally the plan was to bail-out as I had a chance.

I know.

That would be the smart thing to do, but right now... I'm just not really so sure I want to ride off into the sunset just yet. I mean, this is all a Tiny Snake could really ask for in life. I have everything a person could ever dream of, ignoring the lack of post-industrial technology. Respect, power, food that isn't trying to murder me: what more could someone want?

"So, Great one, what was it that made you decide to give up your previous form?"


Suddenly I can think of something I could want: escape from these annoying questions.

"Yes, we are all greatly interested in your decision, oh Great one."

Here we go again... another round of questions from the Elf Chief and Elf Elder #1. The uppity bastards who were about to literally cut out Miss Elf's heart in a sloppy attempt to appease me. With festival-company like this, it really makes a Snake wonder what the world is coming to.

"The Forest God wished to view the world of his domain from a new perspective."

Ah, good work my [Spirit attendant.] Unlike most things, I'm really starting to think you were well worth the points.

"But truly, a small serpent? Compared to your previous form, of all the creatures which you could have taken shape, it amazes me that you would choose such as this. It is almost as if-"

The Chief is being very persistent, but that's okay. The best part about being in charge of a conversation, is that I can freely interrupt whenever I want.

"The God can now see the close, where there was once only the far. From the sky, the Forest was small and insignificant, but now it is large and intricate."


Well said, [Spirit Attendant.] Very Zen-like, good timing, fortune-cookie perfect right there, couldn't have managed anything better. From the look on the Chief's face, I think that might have shut him down for a minute or two. He's obviously thinking about it, starting to... there's the nod: Good work, he definitely bought it.

Hiss... Tiring stuff though. The guard is up, weird questions and things I don't understand- I've been faking it like a pro, or avoiding those questions entirely. As a God, I think the fact I even bother to answer them at all is probably enough for most, but the Chief and Elders have been a bit relentless since the wine started flowing.

It's good wine, by the way.

Really good.

Sitting here in the shrine, Elves all around, wild and crazy tribal forest party in full swing, buzz of alcohol on my tiny-snake brain, I'll admit it all evens out. Weird or annoying questions aside, its a fair trade- though I can truthfully admit that the only person in my company I'm not 110% fed up with already is Miss Elf Warrior. I think that's probably because she's the only one who isn't questioning me and looking for divine insight.

In fact, she's just sort of sitting there not doing much of anything. Not drinking, not eating, just staring at me and probably hoping I don't notice.

Hisss... That's alright.

It's the questions and conversation that are making me a bit nervous though. Now, I say they're looking for divine insight, but really I'm getting the impression they're testing me a bit. Poking around the edges and seeing if I react.

It's annoying, but I feel a bit obligated to put up with it for now. Every rose has its thorn, so I guess being a "god" sometimes means dealing with the questions of those who worship you.

I can dig it, roll and slither with it- but it's just... Well, I'm getting the growing suspicion that maybe the Chief and these Elders don't quite trust me.

Like, maaaaaaybe they have a tiny bit of doubt.

Now hold on! I know, I know- that's totally crazy talk. I mean, seriously now: The whole village here has completely and utterly bought in to the fact that I'm a mystic deity born in the flesh- I'm sure. My acting and [Spirit Attendant]'s lines and delivery have been spot on, but... y'know... I'm starting to get the feeling that maybe, just maybe these last couple guys aren't 110% on board with everything just yet.


Maybe they're only like 99.9% on board.


Like they're leaning back and forth all wibble-wobble on that last bit, in determining how godly I really am, and you know what?


I totally get that.


Yeah! I do, really- I do. I mean, I don't appreciate it, but I'll go the extra mile for a bit here. It's the least I can do, y'know, considering I am a Monster snake from the underworld who is sort of pretending to be their one and only Precious Forest God.


A Forest God I'm now beginning to strongly suspect might have been the Giant Owl that ate me, vomited me, and died.

Hisss... So, here's a Hypothetical question:

If you kill a Forest God, and then impersonate that very same God in front of the people that worshiped it, what's the worst that can happen?







Here's a Hypothetical Answer:

They might try to murder you.