Chapter 88

Chapter 88

Snake Report: Life as a False God, Day 9/Lost in the Surface World, Day 2


This forest is absolutely, 100%, seriously, truly, horrifying.

If all of the surface is like this, I might be better off in a cave beneath the ground, because this is nutter-butters.

Extra-stuffed nutter-butters.

That "Legendary Owl" I killed? Yeah, well that's not the only dangerous that's up here, let me tell you something:

There are god-damn Dinosaurs.

Dine-Oh-Sores. Like, chase your jeep wrangler through a fucking jungle- "Think they'll have that on the tour?" Really big and hungry things, with way-WAY too many teeth.

Some of them seem to hunt in packs.


As per usual, it's me against the world. Take no prisoners: Snake Camp [Isla Nublar] is in full effect. It's a one snake team. We've hired no Newmans, we've left no chance for error. There are no electric fences or computer programs to go awry.

I've pulled out ever single trick in the book.

Kill or be killed.

Dog eat Dog.

I stick to what I know.

My human life might as well have been a long and convoluted method to train someone on how to fight these terrible things- because unlike the other monsters I've had to go up against so far, these had their place in Hollywood. Childhood movies my family used to both terrify and fascinate me.

We had safety locks on all out door-knobs from age 7-12 just so I could sleep at night without fear of velociraptor attack. I veto'd a manual transmission car after driver's ed, simply because I thought if a T-rex were chasing me I'd most-definitively stall the clutch and die.

What I'm trying to say in a convoluted and rambling manner, can be summed up like so: Unlike everything else in this world, I was mentally and theoretically prepared for these exact kinds of scenarios. My human life had actually readied me for something.

Know thy enemy.

Instinct has no place here. This is purely based on a human's most powerful motivating force.

Yes... no it's not intellect.

That's obviously fear.

Lots and lots of fear.

See, I know very, very well: there is only one thing you can do when faced with dinosaurs.

I've seen the movies, and there is only one thing that has proven successful for those not possessing the beautiful and beloved Plot-Armor.

That's right.

You follow the tried and proven plan of [NOPENOPENOPE] and turtle up your defenses like a Terran on their last mining base with a full 200/200 of nothing but Siege tanks and Mules against a Zerg with every base on the map.


Lock the doors, bar the windows, pull the blinds: Stall- but not bathroom stalls, those will get you killed.


Tiny-Snake Camp Isla Nublar was created with that exact plan in mind.


Operation "No Thank you" was drafted and put into action.


To the best of my potential, this was in full effect by the time I got attacked.




Prepared or not:

As always, it was terrifying.